Ladies and gentlemen, Right from the start I want to let you know how this is going to end: You will vote for this pumpkin. You will vote for this pumpkin not because it’s the easy thing to do, but because it’s the right thing to do. You will vote for this pumpkin not because it needs your support, but because acknowledging this pumpkin’s greatness will bring clarity and meaning to your otherwise dull life. The case for this pumpkin is obvious. Just consider the facts: 1) Utilizing her patent-pending Dual Gourd Construction®, architect Paula Tesch crafted this magnificently twee fox out of A FUCKING PUMPKIN! Do you know how hard it is to turn a pumpkin into something valuable? It’s like trying to play racquetball with a motorcycle helmet. Do you know what the second-best use for a pumpkin is, after a fancy jack-o-lantern? It’s for goddamn soccer practice for stupid teenage boys. Pumpkins are awful! This was hard. 2) Your vote for this pumpkin isn’t an exclusive endorsement, so you can go “Like” other ones as well! Therefore, this vote is less a test of your values than a celebration of something that’s just fun! Don’t be a buzzkill. 3) I mean, just look at it! Is that real fur on the ears and a gourd seed as a tooth?! Hot damn! I don’t know about you, but with all that’s messed up in this crazy world, this is something I can support with a clear conscience! 4) It was made by Paula, who Pick-up Hugs Magazine recently named one of the world’s five most amazing people under five feet tall! And that’s a particularly tough category to compete in because you’re mainly pitted against adorable children! Let me tell you one quick story about how great Paula is so you understand what you’re supporting here: While recently waiting in line at Peet’s Coffee & Tea, Paula encountered an elderly woman who was terribly confused and desperately in search of some pie. Now, not only did Paula take time out of her day to help comfort this person in a time of need, but she also baked her a pie on the spot and then teleported this woman back to her oldest daughter’s house so she could have a surprise visit with her grandchildren! That’s the type of person you’re supporting by voting for this pumpkin — and I’ll be damned if you’re going to just sit by idly, twiddling your thumbs, implicitly casting a vote against an elderly woman’s right to surprise her grandchildren. In conclusion, A) This pumpkin-sculpture is incredible, B) Paula is wonderful, smart, beautiful, funny, and deserving of your support, C) I am biased in her favor because I’m her brother-in-law but I don’t care, and D) You will vote for this pumpkin. Thank you, and God bless America.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Right from the start I want to let you know how this is going to end: You will vote for this pumpkin.

You will vote for this pumpkin not because it’s the easy thing to do, but because it’s the right thing to do. You will vote for this pumpkin not because it needs your support, but because acknowledging this pumpkin’s greatness will bring clarity and meaning to your otherwise dull life.

The case for this pumpkin is obvious. Just consider the facts:

1) Utilizing her patent-pending Dual Gourd Construction®, architect Paula Tesch crafted this magnificently twee fox out of A FUCKING PUMPKIN! Do you know how hard it is to turn a pumpkin into something valuable? It’s like trying to play racquetball with a motorcycle helmet. Do you know what the second-best use for a pumpkin is, after a fancy jack-o-lantern? It’s for goddamn soccer practice for stupid teenage boys. Pumpkins are awful! This was hard.

2) Your vote for this pumpkin isn’t an exclusive endorsement, so you can go “Like” other ones as well! Therefore, this vote is less a test of your values than a celebration of something that’s just fun! Don’t be a buzzkill.

3) I mean, just look at it! Is that real fur on the ears and a gourd seed as a tooth?! Hot damn! I don’t know about you, but with all that’s messed up in this crazy world, this is something I can support with a clear conscience!

4) It was made by Paula, who Pick-up Hugs Magazine recently named one of the world’s five most amazing people under five feet tall! And that’s a particularly tough category to compete in because you’re mainly pitted against adorable children!

Let me tell you one quick story about how great Paula is so you understand what you’re supporting here: While recently waiting in line at Peet’s Coffee & Tea, Paula encountered an elderly woman who was terribly confused and desperately in search of some pie. Now, not only did Paula take time out of her day to help comfort this person in a time of need, but she also baked her a pie on the spot and then teleported this woman back to her oldest daughter’s house so she could have a surprise visit with her grandchildren! That’s the type of person you’re supporting by voting for this pumpkin — and I’ll be damned if you’re going to just sit by idly, twiddling your thumbs, implicitly casting a vote against an elderly woman’s right to surprise her grandchildren.

In conclusion, A) This pumpkin-sculpture is incredible, B) Paula is wonderful, smart, beautiful, funny, and deserving of your support, C) I am biased in her favor because I’m her brother-in-law but I don’t care, and D) You will vote for this pumpkin.

Thank you, and God bless America.